


yes, a fool such as i

by softazelma



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crocheting, Extremely Slow Burn, F/M, Fighting, Fluff, Gen, Hair Braiding, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jyn Is Bad With Feelings, M/M, Post-Fight Snuggles Because I'm Weak, Slow Burn, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, They Drink Alcohol in One Scene, Very Fluffy Ending Prefaced by a Shit Ton of Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9230396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softazelma/pseuds/softazelma
Summary: Rogue One is dead to the last man -- or so the Rebellion believes, but three survivors manage to escape the blast and make their way back home. Making peace with one's past is a difficult task. Feelings can complicate it further.(Or, the one where Jyn, Cassian, and Bodhi survive Scarif, and feelings ensue.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're a huge Cassian fan, this chapter will be exciting for exactly the first like seven paragraphs, and then it's completely all about Jyn with like 2.5 Bodhi. Whoops? He gets a really smooth line though. 
> 
> On a less glib note, this fic's entire purpose is to explore each individual character's interactions with their trauma and grief. This is a more Jyn-centric chapter, for instance. She's a very interesting character to write. Still, there's character development and self-awareness to be gained in later chapters. 
> 
> EDIT: This was the fic's original intent. It changed as it went along. Yes, it's a character exploration fic, but it goes more in the direction of recovery than exploring trauma. I still want to keep that note there, though, because it's still important. 
> 
> And with that, let's dive in!

Hobbling on the soft sand, Jyn and Cassian make it to the water’s edge, falling to their knees. Jyn looks into the heart of the blast, and it burns like looking into the sun, but she doesn’t care; she’s leaning against Cassian, fingers intertwined, and she couldn’t be more at peace.

“It’s beautiful, you know?” she murmurs.

“Yes,” he replies. She can’t see it, but he’s looking at her as he says this. “I count myself lucky to have such a sight be my last.”

She smiles, nodding her head.

It’s closing in, and Cassian draws her close, and she hates that she’s crying but she can’t help it as her vision clouds and she grips the back of his coat in her hand, desperate for _something._

And out of the blue, there’s the sound of an engine, and Bodhi’s voice, calling to them: “GET IN THE SHIP! NOW!!”

It doesn’t feel real, and maybe she’s already dead, but Jyn about leaps to her feet, drawing Cassian up with her. They nearly run to the stolen Imperial ship, legs burning -- skin burning too, a little, as the wall of white-hot flame approaches -- and after what feels like an eternity trapped in a moment, they’re in the hull, and Bodhi is racing away from the explosion, and they’re pulling away from the atmosphere, and--

“Jyn! Hey!” Bodhi waves his hand in front of her face. “Are you okay?”

She runs a hand through her hair, startled and trying to regain herself. “Yeah, fine,” she says. “I just spaced out.”

It’s a pretty good-sized ship Bodhi stole, nothing like the cramped mess Cassian’s ship was, although it isn’t huge. She stands up, stretches, rolls her shoulders and cracks her back, before walking down to the infirmary.

Cassian isn’t looking too great, but he’s on the road to recovery. He’s asleep when Jyn arrives at his bedside, which is strange, because he looks so much younger. Or it could be that he just looks less weary. After much internal conflict, she takes his hand and holds it between hers for a bit.

_“Where are the others?” Jyn asked, strangely calm. “Where are Chirrut and Baze? Did any of the volunteers make it?”_

_Bodhi hung his head, chewing on his lip. In a small voice, he said, “There was nothing I could do.” He didn’t know what else to say._

_Neither did Jyn. It was like she’d been punched in the gut. She wanted to scream at him, punch him, do something -- but she knew that if she did, she’d never forgive herself. So she settled for letting out a painful cry and kicking a box of rations across the room before walking away, hot tears making tracks on her face and tension building in her shoulders._

_She locked herself in the ‘fresher for about an hour after that._

“We’re all that’s left of Rogue One,” she murmurs, running her thumb across the back of Cassian’s hand.

  


When the trio arrives at Yavin IV, the celebrations are over. The Death Star has been destroyed, by a kid only two years younger than Jyn. Pilots rush to their ships, and passengers squeeze wherever they can. Bodhi lands amidst a sea of rebels, all pointing weapons at him -- really, he’s surprised they weren’t shot down on sight. It turns out the long-range weaponry isn’t manned in the case of a mass evacuation.

“Wait, okay, hold up -- please don’t shoot me, I’ve been shot at a lot more today than I ever wanted to and it isn’t fun -- um, we just escaped from Scarif, what the hell is going on?” Bodhi rambles, hands in the air.

Another long space trip awaits them, and before long, Bodhi’s pilfered ship is filled to the brim. He starts the flight sequence and plugs in the coordinates for Hoth before going into hyperspace.

One of their passengers, thank goodness, is a doctor, and gives Cassian a brief examination. “I can’t do much else without a medical kit,” she explains to Jyn, “but right now? I’d say, besides the blaster shot in his shoulder, he’s just pretty banged up. Must have been one hell of a fall he took.”

“Yeah,” Jyn replies, unable to look her in the eye. She can’t understand why, but she can’t take her eyes off him. Ever since Bodhi came back for them, she didn’t want to let Cassian out of her sight. “Do you think it’s normal for him to be sleeping like this?”

The doctor laughs. “Sweetheart, after such an intense mission, you should be sleeping too!” She pauses, like she’s thinking. “You get some rest. I’ll watch him.”

“No, it’s fine--”

“Ah-ah,” she interrupts. “Doctor’s orders. Sleep. Doesn’t matter how long, but you can’t spend all your energy standing vigil. I’ll let you know when he wakes up.”

Jyn isn’t about to argue with a doctor, so she squeezes into the cockpit with Bodhi and curls up in the copilot’s seat. Bodhi reacts the way one might if a stray cat decided to take a nap in one’s lap. That is to say, he is touched by her trust.

_“Welcome home,” Cassian said. And there was this warmth that filled her chest, flooding her bloodstream like the best kind of poison. She didn’t recognize it; it had been far too long since she’d felt anything of the like. All she could do was smile, because whatever feeling this was, it was a good one._

_She asked Chirrut what it meant, and he laughed like wind chimes in the breeze. “That is something that you must discover for yourself, Jyn,” he said, grinning. “It wouldn’t be any fun if I just told you.”_

_In retrospect, she wasn’t sure why she thought Chirrut would be the best person to ask._

_It was one of the last conversations they ever had._

Jyn sleeps soundly, all thanks to Bodhi’s expert shushing. The doctor comes to find Jyn an hour or so after their conversation with news that Cassian is awake. She takes one look at the girl’s sleeping figure and walks away without a word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has anything y'all want to see in the coming chapters -- characters, situations, certain flashbacks, etc. -- let me know in the comments. (I can almost promise you that Luke and/or Leia should be present in the next chapter.)
> 
> And if you just want the next chapter like RIGHT NOW, then comments are really good motivators, dudes! 
> 
> Come visit me on my Tumblr, @softazelma, where I mostly wax poetic about the merits of Diego Luna and the wide variety of movies he's been in, alongside several other fandoms, but I'll also be posting the updates as they happen for this fic, and I might post some little tidbits now and again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, have some tooth-rotting fluff. You get to see the good before you see the bad, I don't wanna scare y'all off :)
> 
> As promised, have some Luke with a Leia cameo. And thank you to everyone who's commented or gave kudos!

They’ve been on the Hoth base for a couple months -- enough time to get settled in, but not enough time to get accustomed to the bitter cold. Cassian grew up on Fest, a sweaty and humid planet where the temperature never dipped below seventy degrees; he’s the type of person to wear a jacket and complain the moment it hit below that. So his transition isn’t the easiest. He takes to wearing two jackets and consuming as much hot food and drink as he possibly can. 

_Cassian was sitting in the hangar at Yavin IV, smiling amongst his fellow fighters, victorious at long last. There was Bodhi, and Chirrut and Baze, and K-2, and all the others, and Jyn sat at his side, smiling. She took his hand in hers._

_“We’re all that’s left of Rogue One,” she said, but it was strange and mournful, like an echo._

_“Mi amor, that is something to celebrate,” he replied, and kissed her cheek. She said nothing._

_A few hours later, he woke up. There was a doctor by his side, but Jyn was gone._

Jyn checks up on him once a day, like a mother hen checking on her brood. He finds it endearing, especially the efforts she makes to seem nonchalant. 

“Cassian,” she says, peeking her head through his door. “How’re you feeling? I have some soup. Doctor Ashaya told me to bring it.” Doctor Ashaya, of course, is the doctor they met on their way to Hoth. She is a good woman who continued treating him after their arrival. 

“I’d feel better if it wasn’t so fucking cold outside,” he replies, mildly acerbic but still smiling. “What kind is it?”

“I don’t know, something with, um, cheese and tomatoes,” she says. The bowl is steaming hot, and it smells heavenly. 

Cassian looks at it for a minute, sitting on a haphazard side table next to his bed, lit only by the wan tungsten lights in the ceiling. “You know what?” he says. “This is too much. I’m not hungry enough to eat all this. We should share it.”

Jyn looks at him for a minute, almost like she can’t tell if it’s a joke, then laughs, apparently deciding that it was at least supposed to be funny. She was right. “Okay, sure,” she says. “But you’re still healing, so I’ll eat whatever you don’t. Besides, I already had lunch.”

“Fine,” he says, and looks at her through his eyelashes as he sticks the first spoonful in his mouth. It tastes heavenly, and he silently thanks the universe for sending Jyn to him. “By the way, did I ever tell you about my recon mission on Aleen?”

“No,” she says, and settles in for another of his exciting and exaggerated tales of interplanetary espionage. 

  


Bodhi is an excellent pilot. The Empire loved him, and is pretty pissed that he ditched them for the Rebellion. But he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have the guts or the skills to destroy the Death Star -- no way! After hearing Luke Skywalker’s tale of success, he could hardly believe it. 

It’s a month later, and they run into each other. Luke was coming back in from a mission of some sort, and Leia greets him with open arms and a warm smile. Bodhi is there for a supplies run, but he hangs back, leaning against the vast white walls of the base -- and is he blushing a bit? Well, he might be. 

He catches Luke’s eye, and the boy smiles and walks over to him, and his heart starts pounding, and he’s blinking rapidly, and there he is, with the hero of the Rebellion standing right before him, grinning like he’s seeing an old, old friend. “Hey, I don’t think we’ve met! I’m Luke Skywalker,” says Luke, holding out a hand to shake. 

“Y-yeah, I know -- uh, I’ve heard about you,” says Bodhi. He shakes Luke’s hand, breathes in through his nose. Thirty seconds of courage. He smiles.

Luke laughs like a kid -- and hell, he still is one, really -- and says, “Yeah, I guess you might’ve. But you know about me, tell me about you. Are you a pilot too?”

“Oh, yeah,” says Bodhi. “Actually, I was an Imperial pilot, but I defected to help the Rebellion get the Death Star plans --”

“Wait, you’re Bodhi Rook?” asks Luke, a little starstruck. “If it hadn’t been for you, we wouldn’t have been able to destroy it! You’re a hero! Oh my god, I can’t believe I get to meet you!” Luke blushes a bit. 

“Trust me, I feel the same way,” says Bodhi, smiling. He takes another deep breath. “Look, I’m scheduled to go on a supply run, but d’you think we could hang out sometime?”

“Get some caff when you get back?” asks Luke. 

“It’s a deal,” replies Bodhi. They wave goodbye, and as he pulls out of the hangar, he’s grinning wider than he has in years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi and Luke are just the cutest, aren't they? I don't think this will go in a shippy direction, but still, expect to see them together a lot. 
> 
> Cassian's canonical homeworld is in fact Fest, but I kind of made up its description. I kind of think of it as space Florida. His puffy jacket reminded me of literally every "northerners murdering Floridians over complaining about 50-degree weather" meme and my hand slipped. 
> 
> Also, Aleen is a random mid-rim planet I found on Wookiepedia. Don't let anyone say I don't research my shit. 
> 
> Let me know if there are any characters, situations, etc. you'd like to see in the next chapter! And come discuss the merits of The Princess Bride novel on my Tumblr, @softazelma (spoiler: the book is 100% better than the movie and I hate William Goldman). See y'all next update!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's early!! I finished way sooner that I thought I would, and I couldn't wait to post it.
> 
> User @NewLeeland suggested a flashback to Cassian's mission on Aleen mentioned in the last chapter, which I agree would be super interesting! I don't think it would fit well into this specific fic, being a character-driven story primarily told in vignettes, but I might make a sequel -- a prequel? -- about it. Thank you for the idea! 
> 
> Luke and Bodhi are adorable as always. Shit goes down, Jyn is pissed, and God knows she has anger management issues. There's angst, fluff, and then some adorable stuff. I'm awful at writing angst, guys! I just want them to be happy!!
> 
> But without further ado, let's get to the story.

They don’t know what to do with Jyn. She isn’t a rebel, but they can’t let her go. They could send her out on missions, but there’s a general consensus amongst Rebellion leaders that she’s unstable and not mission ready in the slightest. She, of course, finds this particularly offensive. 

“You had no problem coercing me to deliver your message to Saw Gerrera, but now that I’m volunteering, you’re turning me away?” She slams her fist on the table, eyes flaming in frustration. “You’re a room of hypocrites, that’s what you are!” 

Mon Mothma, ever the patient one, says, “Jyn, we are not saying that you will never be allowed to leave the base or serve the Rebellion. We simply would rather wait for you to recover fully from Scarif before being sent on any missions.”

“Cassian’s injuries were ten times worse than mine -- I wasn’t even bruised -- but you’re sending him off!”

“To be frank, Jyn,” says Senator Leia Organa, who has taken up her father’s seat in the Rebellion, “you are volatile, easily provoked, and irrational. We cannot trust you to do your mission as instructed, and that is a vital part of field work.”

Mothma glances at her, sighing. Eyes wide in shock and anger, Jyn storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. 

“Leia, you could have worded that a little better,” says Mothma with a meaningful look. 

“I’ll work on it,” says Leia, although they both know she won’t. 

_ Jyn sat in that bunker underground for sixteen hours. _

_ She was so convinced it was all a dream, some sick nightmare. The air was stale and reeked of rust and disuse. So far underground, the cold of the metal walls permeated through her clothes, and no matter how she tossed and turned and shifted, she couldn’t make herself comfortable.  _

_ The first four hours, she spent huddling in the furthest corner, stifling tears, terrified that she would be found if she made a single noise. The next six were spent staring at the wall, sniffling a little, but without any real force behind it, as she tried and failed to sleep. After that, she succeeded in achieving a restless sleep for the next four hours.  _

_ Those last two hours, she sat vigil for her mother, now dead, and her father, taken by the Empire. She was only six years old, but she understood that she’d never see them again. And for the first time she could remember, she felt boiling-hot anger.  _

Jyn fumes all the way to her quarters and grabs her heavy coat, intending to slip outside and scream. Apparently, it isn’t “socially acceptable” to scream indoors, whatever that means. On her way out the door, Cassian intercepts her. 

“What happened?” he asks her, resting his hands on her shoulders. 

She pushes him off. “Don’t fucking touch me,” she snaps. 

He follows after her, saying, “You cannot just shut me out like this! I want to help you!”

“Just leave me alone!” she yells, breaking into a run out the hangar doors and into the freezing cold air. It burns her lungs, and she loves it. 

“Aghhhh!” he shouts, tearing his fingers through his hair in frustration. That woman will be the death of him, and he’ll probably enjoy it. He braces himself before following her outside. 

 

Luke and Bodhi make their mid-afternoon caff “dates” a daily occurrence, meeting adjacent to the hangar with steaming hot mugs. 

“Can I braid your hair?” Luke asks one day. “Leia’s been showing me how she does all those cool hair styles, and there’s this one -- I can’t remember what it’s called, but I wanna try it out on you, if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” said Bodhi, taking his hair out of its messy bun and shaking it loose. 

Luke smiles as he runs his fingers through Bodhi’s dark hair and starts pulling strands from the front into a braid. 

“So, um,” Bodhi coughs, “are you and Leia a...a thing?”

“What? No way, she’s like my sister!” Luke chuckles. 

They’re interrupted by the sound of shouting, and suddenly Jyn is tearing across the hangar with Cassian hot on her heels. She ducks out into the snow and disappears just before he can catch up with her, and he yells something, balling his hands into his hair, before running out after her. 

Bodhi and Luke look at each other.

“Are they...okay?” asks Luke. 

“I don’t know,” says Bodhi, shrugging. “This happens a lot. They say stuff they don’t mean, and they’re really loud, and then suddenly they’re fine again.” He pauses. “Well, maybe not suddenly. I don’t know. We’re all friends, but the two of them are something else.”

“Huh.” Luke looks after them, concern etched into his face. A few shouted insults echo into the hangar, and then it’s silent. “Han and Leia fight all the time, but never like that. It’s a little--”

“--startling?” Bodhi finishes. 

“Yeah,” says Luke. 

There’s a brief pause. “They’ll be back in soon, don’t worry. Their fights are like fireworks -- they’re big and loud, but they’re over quick.”

Just seconds after Bodhi said those words, Jyn and Cassian walked back in, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, her arm around his waist. 

Bodhi smiles. “So, Luke,” he begins, “are womp rats really six feet long?”

“That’s only their average length,” Luke replies, grinning; he loves telling Bodhi about the terrifying experience of living on Tatooine. “They can get up to twelve feet long, sometimes bigger -- my old neighbor, Mary, said she caught and skinned one that was just under twenty, but everyone knows that’s gotta be bantha shit, ‘cause she’s half-blind and senile.”

“Man, that’s crazy,” says Bodhi. “Tell me more.”

 

“I know they’re right, it’s just...I’m really trying, you know?” Jyn sighs, playing with her bangs. She’s sitting at the foot of Cassian’s bed, and he’s right next to her, listening. They’re both listening, now that their heads are cooled off. 

“What you need is an outlet. I mean,” he smirks, “other than fighting with me. Not that I mind, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re most worried about.”

“Why?”

“Because they talked to me about it, too.”

“Oh.” She snorts. “I mean, what do you do? What’s your outlet?”

Cassian arches an eyebrow. “Why do you think I’d need one?”

“Because you’re just like me, except fucked up different,” she says with a wry smile. 

There’s a slight pause, and Jyn waits for Cassian to respond. He does so by wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into his side, kissing the top of her head. 

“Yeah, maybe,” he says. 

Cassian is very warm. Maybe it’s because he never takes off that stupid fluffy jacket, but it doesn’t really matter, because Jyn is so comfortable that she doesn’t ever want him to let go. “I do still want an answer,” she mumbles, but it’s good-natured, and she can feel his chest rumble a little as he laughs. 

“Later, alright?” he says. 

She just hums in response.  

They sit there for a while, until Cassian gets a message on his holopad and Jyn quickly excuses herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that happened. 
> 
> Jyn is seriously a fascinating character to write. She's so easily hurt, and tends to push her friends away as a defense mechanism -- I mean, she's been alone for most of her life, and abandoned by a parental figure not just once, but TWICE. Girl's got some issues. She desperately wants affection and love, but doesn't realize it. 
> 
> I think Cassian sees some of himself in her. He might not have her same issues, but he lost his parents too, and at the same age she did. I think that's part of why he couldn't bring himself to shoot Galen; if he found out that his parents survived somehow, it would be heartbreaking to have them killed. The two of them are very different, and they clash due to that, but ultimately, they understand each other, and that surpasses their differences. 
> 
> But enough about those two! I might have accidentally started shipping Bodhi and Luke while writing this chapter, so while I don't know if it will turn into a real romance, they're gonna be almost like a foil to Jyn and Cassian's relationship. 
> 
> Yes, I couldn't help myself with the line about Leia being like a sister to Luke. Don't hate me. 
> 
> And also, womp rats are space crocodiles, and y'all can fight me on that. I live in Florida, we have crazy wildlife. We're like the Australia of the USA. Mary, Luke's half-blind senile neighbor, is not, in fact, based on anyone I know, but I wish she was. 
> 
> This author's note is almost as long as the chapter itself, so I'll cut it short here. Visit me on Tumblr @softazelma if you're interested in seeing my three-page-long list of complaints about the 2004 King Arthur movie, because I'm passionate about my Arthurian mythology and whoever produced that goddamn movie can catch these hands. 
> 
> The next update will come next weekend, January 21st, but please comment if you have any suggestions, ideas, questions, or incoherent flailings, because I love that shit. See you then!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet. I've been busy, and given the... less than enthusiastic reaction to chapter 3, I haven't had a lot of motivation to write. I'm sorry for the lateness. 
> 
> Without further ado, let's get started!

Bodhi sits in an expansive hallway, reading something on a holopad, when he’s approached by a dark-haired and brooding figure. 

“Hey, Bodhi,” says Jyn, sitting on the crate next to him and flopping backwards so she’s lying on her back, with her legs dangling from the knees off the edge. 

“Hey, Jyn,” he replies, bemused. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no,” she says, waving her hands sarcastically, “I’m just having a massive internal crisis at the moment, but I actually wanted to know if you could teach me that thing you do? With the yarn, and the hook thing?”

“Crocheting?” Bodhi looks at her, scanning her face for insincerity. Finding none, he continues, “Alright, um, can I ask why?”

“No,” she deflects. Bodhi thinks nothing of it. She’ll open up at her own pace. 

“Okay. I don’t have my stuff with me right now, but do you think we could meet up later? Maybe at my quarters?” 

Jyn shrugs. “Sure.” She launches herself off the crate and walks off. Half-convinced he hallucinated the whole encounter, Bodhi sighs and dives back into his holopad. 

  


Jyn paces the corridors of the isolated rebel base, footsteps bouncing off the walls and echoing for what seems like miles. She hates being cooped up like this. There’s nothing to do! It’s almost as bad as being in prison, but at least now she isn’t legally confined to her cell. 

“Hey, Jyn,” Cassian calls down the hall, and Jyn swivels like a top to face him, startled. 

“Hey,” she says, a little shaken. 

“I haven’t seen you around in -- well, it feels like weeks,” he says with a warm smile. 

She looks at him blankly. “Y-yeah,” she says. She can feel her cheeks growing pink, and not from the cold. There’s something in her stomach, this sickly turning feeling, like drinking too much caf after eating not enough food. Cassian is about to say something, but Jyn cuts him short. “I’ve got some stuff to do, but I’ll see you later, okay?” she says, before practically running back to her bunk and shutting the door tight behind her. 

What the hell was that? She presses the palm of her hand into her chest, just over her heart, feeling it pounding rapidly against her ribcage. Is she sick? What is wrong with her? 

Flustered, she groans and wraps herself in a blanket. 

  


Later that day, Jyn perches on a stool in Bodhi’s quarters as he shows her how to crochet. 

“...so then you hook the loose yarn on your hook again and pull it through, and ta-da! You’re ready to start the next stitch,” says Bodhi. 

Jyn chuckles at his ever-endearing enthusiasm. “Where did you even learn this?”

“Um, Luke showed me?” Bodhi’s cheeks went a little pink. “He told me his Aunt Beru taught him how to do it when he was younger, to keep his hands busy.”

She hums under her breath. “This is really fun, actually.”

“Yeah, I’ve started making socks too -- but that uses some more complicated stitches, so let’s save that for another time,” he says, a little bashful. 

Jyn nods, only half listening. Bodhi always looks so peaceful when she sees him around the base in between missions, curled up with a ball of yarn and whatever project he’s working on. So when she finds herself unable to have a conversation with Cassian that didn’t make her chest squeeze up strangely, Jyn turns to Bodhi and his crocheting for an outlet of sorts. 

It’s slow going, at first, and her stitches are all uneven -- some too loose, others too tight -- but she quickly gets into the swing of things, her hook flying through the yarn. 

Bodhi looks over at her. “You’ve got a knack for this stuff,” he says. She doesn’t reply; she’s too absorbed in the task at hand. So he smiles and returns to his own work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jyn is absolutely that person who is terrified of her feelings. She knows they're there, she just doesn't know what do do with them. 
> 
> No Luke in this chapter! I wanted to have some Bodhi & Jyn interaction. 
> 
> Visit me on Tumblr @softazelma to see me flagellating over the eu Legends novel Kenobi, which combines my two favorite things: Obi-Wan angst, and intense, highly specific worldbuilding. 
> 
> Please let me know in the comments if you have any suggestions, ideas, or just want to say hi! It's a very good motivator ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Update, yes, finally. I'm a bad person who has a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew, and life is finally catching up. The spring musical has just started rehearsals, which means less time for writing. Expect more sporadic stuff like this.
> 
> Other than that, hey! Shit goes DOWN! Have fun!

Cassian is called before the council. He doesn’t know why, but he assumes he’s about to find out. 

“Captain Andor, so nice to see you,” says Mon Mothma, always polite.

“Likewise,” he replies. 

“We would like to ask you a few questions about Jyn Erso.”

“That’s fine.” Cassian wonders what they could possibly want to know about her -- had she done something and gotten in trouble? 

“Don’t worry,” says Mothma, with a smile, “she’s done nothing wrong. In fact, it’s her good behavior that we’re here to ask about. She’s had almost no outbursts since we informed her that she would be held from active duty until further notice. She’s been almost unusually well-behaved, and we have been considering easing her into field work. What is your opinion on this?”

“Why are you asking me?” he asks, confused. 

“Well, the two of you are practically joined at the hip, aren’t you?” asks Leia. Mon Mothma gives her a very subtle look of disapproval, which the younger girl pointedly ignores. 

“I mean --” he blushes a little “-- well, I haven’t seen much of her the past few weeks, actually, almost like she’s been avoiding me... but I do know she is making progress, and that easing her into field work is probably the best thing you could do for her.” He gave a sharp nod to emphasize his point. 

Mon Mothma smiles warmly. “Thank you, that will be all.”

Cassian nods, and turns to leave the room. “Oh, by the way, Cassian,” and he looks back. Mon Mothma continues, “If you’d rather break the news to her, you may.” 

“Thank you,” he says. He closes the door behind himself. 

  


_He was a little boy, maybe five years old, when he first saw a Guardian._

_Of course, that’s only the first time he was old enough to understand who they were, what they did. The Guardian was standing outside the temple, and when he saw Bodhi walking by, pulled along by his mother and rambunctious older brothers, he gave the boy a little smile and a wink. Filled with childlike delight, Bodhi waved back, grinning._

_They were on their way to the market square, making their way through the bustling, narrow streets, smiling as they passed their neighbors and friends. Some shops were decked out in colorful decorations for a cultural holiday that Bodhi’s family didn’t celebrate, he couldn’t remember which one. The cloudless sky above his head reminded him of bantha milk. It was a good day._

_Only two years later, the Imperial occupation began._

Bodhi wipes his hand across his eyes, trying not to sniffle and failing. In his other hand he holds a datapad with an iron grip, just staring at it, helpless. There’s a knock on the door, and in comes Luke, chipper as always. “Hey, Bodhi, I -- oh.” He stops. “What’s wrong?”

Bodhi smiles, rueful and wry. “Today was her birthday,” he says in a shaky voice. 

Concerned, Luke sits at Bodhi’s side and takes a look at the datapad. On the screen is an old family photo. There’s Bodhi, only three, between his two older brothers, and in front of his mother and father. Immediately, he understands. 

He wraps his arms around Bodhi, and sighs as the other man leans into his embrace. Luke kisses Bodhi’s cheek, smiles, and asks him, “What was she like?”

Bodhi smiles, just barely, and leans into Luke. “Wonderful. A little strict, but with two older brothers, of course she would be.” He sniffles. “There was this one time, when I was really little, that the two of them decided to run away, so they packed up all the junk food they could find and up and left. Mom found them a few hours later a block away, playing ball with some of our neighbors. And then, there was this one time that…”

He goes on for who knows how much longer, and Luke stays with him, running a hand through Bodhi’s hair and listening to his stories. 

  


Cassian raps on the door, swaying slightly on his heels. 

It swings open, revealing Jyn, who sees him and suddenly looks like she’s been unexpectedly poked in the back with a needle. “Hi,” she says, visibly nervous. 

“We have to talk,” says Cassian, serious but sincere. 

“Okay.” Jyn lets him in, almost looking frazzled. 

He sits on the foot of her bed, waiting for her to join him. When she doesn’t, he starts talking, a little disappointed. “The council talked to me this morning. They want to start easing you into field work, probably doing more undercover work.” There’s an implied _with me_ at the end of the sentence, and Jyn definitely hears it. 

“That’s-- oh my god, that’s awesome,” she breathes, a grin growing across her face, but there’s something off about it, something about the twitch in her fingers, and how reserved she’s being -- how reserved she’s been for the last few weeks. 

Cassian frowns, just slightly. “Is something wrong?” He stands up, drawing closer to her, his eyes full of worry. “You can trust me, you know.” Silence. “There’s something you aren’t telling me, isn’t there? We’ve hashed this out a million times -- friends tell each other things.” More silence. She looks away, her arms shaking ever so slightly. Frustrated, desperate, he raises his voice. “You’re worrying me here, Jyn! You’ve been avoiding me -- and don’t think I’ve been oblivious! I don’t know what you’re keeping from me, but frankly, if I’ve done something to hurt or offend you somehow, you need to tell me, dammit!”

“What if I don’t know how?” She matches his tone, still not looking straight at him. 

He takes her face in his hands and turns it towards his, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “You don’t need to know how, you just say it.”

She looks conflicted for a long moment, then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Okay,” she grits out. “Fine. Asshole.” A pause. She continues haltingly, “I don’t know what it is, or why it is, or anything, but there’s something about you that just straight-up terrifies me -- makes me feel almost nauseous -- like there’s something weird in my chest -- but it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t feel bad… I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what it is. And that makes it terrifying.” Hot, angry tears form in her eyes, but she blinks them away. 

Cassian just stands there in stunned silence. “Oh,” he says, not knowing what else to say. His mind is racing at a mile a minute, but none of it is coherent enough to come out his mouth. 

Jyn shoves him away, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Fuck,” she hisses. “Get out.”

He backs up, but doesn’t leave. “Jyn, I --”

“GET OUT!”

Cassian backs into the door and slips out, pacing back to his own quarters with far too much on his mind. 

  


The next day, Jyn finds a single, haphazard crocheted flower on the floor in front of her door. Shrugging, she pockets it before heading off for breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. 
> 
> Jyn is terrified of feelings. Her adolescence was spent as a child soldier under Saw Gerrera, who isn't the most touchy-feely guy in the galaxy, to put it lightly. She doesn't know what the ever-loving fuck she's doing!
> 
> I read the most beautiful Bodhi-centric fic recently, called "i guess i'll know when i get there" -- YES it's Bodhi/Luke, and it's fucking fantastic -- which definitely inspired this chapter's Bodhi and Luke scene. Not for the faint of heart, but definitely a gorgeous story. I wish I knew how to link stuff in the notes!
> 
> Anyway, please comment if you have any suggestions, anything you liked, anything you disliked, or literally anything, I honestly just live off comments, okay? 
> 
> And check me out on Tumblr @softazelma if you're interested in something to distract you from the impending doom of America! I have an extensive tag full of extremely diverse nice things that's linked in my bio. It is available for anyone who needs it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here goes. The last chapter. 
> 
> I kind of didn't expect to be finished so soon? I thought I'd drag it out a lot more. But that didn't happen. 
> 
> Most of the threads are tied up, but as with any story, it leaves room for lives to continue and characters to grow. Feelings are discussed and things happen. 
> 
> But now, for the story.

Over the course of the following week, Jyn doesn’t see Cassian once, but every day, there’s a little flower in front of her door. When she’s assigned to her first recon mission, there’s a note underneath it wishing her good luck. 

“It’s strange,” she says to Bodhi, in the wee hours of the morning, sharing the same bottle of some alcoholic beverage she can’t recall the name of. They’re both crocheting -- he’s working on a hat, while she whips out a scarf. “I dunno, I’m not good at this stuff. I just -- I’ve scared him off, haven’t I?”

“I suppose,” Bodhi replies good-naturedly. “Brutal honesty like that can be hard to react to.”

“That’s dumb,” she snorts. “Did you and Luke ever do the same thing?”

He shrugs. “Not really. But honestly, we both knew what we wanted. So tell me, what do you want?”

“I have no idea,” she says, without much conviction. 

Bodhi gives her a look, and she grumbles, “Okay, I kind of know. It’s just all so confusing.”

“How?”

“It’s just all too unfamiliar. But -- I want to be with him. It’s worse, now that he’s avoiding me like this.” A beat. “He is avoiding me, right? I’m not just over-analyzing the situation?”

“Nope, I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding you.” 

Jyn sighs and takes a swig from the bottle. 

“You just need to talk to him,” says Bodhi, and Jyn rolls her eyes with a smile, as if it’s the umpteenth time he’s said it -- it’s only the fourteenth. “You know, Chirrut once told me that a healthy relationship must be built on open communication.”

“That definitely sounds like him.”

Bodhi cracks a smile, almost chuckling. 

“By the way, thanks for the flowers,” Jyn mentions, pulling a few from her pocket to show him. “They’re really cute.”

“I didn’t make those.” He plucks one from her fingers and examines it carefully, squinting a little. 

“Huh,” says Jyn, wondering who else could have made them. 

  


Cassian is not made for arts and crafts, not in the slightest. His hands are made for firing guns and typing up reports, and not much else. But sometimes, men do really dumb things in the name of love. So when Bodhi told him that Jyn loves crocheting, he filed it away for later use. And now, he’s trying desperately to teach himself how the fuck you do a magic ring stitch, whatever the hell that is.

It’s an almost hilarious scene -- he’s sitting at his desk, holopad open to a set of step-by-step instructions, using a ball of yarn he found lying around and a hook he’s borrowing from Bodhi, so frustrated and irate that he’s nearly gone red in the face. 

He doesn’t know what to think of Jyn’s... confession from the other day. Honestly? Whenever he tries to think about it, he gives himself a godawful headache from running in circles. Deep down, he knows that he should talk to her about it, but the whole concept is so terrifying that he’s been diminished to hiding in his quarters, desperately trying and failing to make fake flowers for her, like some cheesy courting gesture. 

Glancing at the chrono, he realizes that it’s way too damn late to be doing this. He drops the yarn and hook, rubs his hands across his face, and pushes away from the desk. Sleep would be wise at this point. He’ll deal with the idiotic magic ring tomorrow. 

  


Jyn rises early, far earlier than anyone would expect of her, with the intent of sneaking some food from the dining hall, stuffing it in her face, and confronting Cassian before she lost the nerve. He’s often awake around this early, doing whatever morning people do when they wake up. Steps one and two of her cunning plan go smoothly, but when she knocks on Cassian’s door, no one answers. 

She knocks again, a little louder. Nothing. Already starting to have second thoughts, she bangs her head on the door, harder than she meant to, and there’s a strangled yelp from within the room. Okay, so that worked.

The door opens a crack, and out peeks a thoroughly ruffled fluff of hair with a face. “Is something wrong?” it asks. 

Jyn takes a deep breath. She’s rehearsed this in her head all morning. “Cassian, I need to talk with you. It’s nothing bad, but it’s something that needs saying.” 

Cassian yawns dramatically, but she can tell he’s a bit shaken and considerably more awake. “Can it wait until a reasonable hour? I haven’t slept very well.”

“Well, I guess, but--”

“Okay, good, I’ll meet you in your quarters in an hour.” He quickly shuts the door and leaves Jyn alone in the hall. 

Flustered and frustrated, she runs a hand through her bangs. “Fuck,” she mutters. 

  


An hour passes, and Jyn slowly drives herself nuts. 

Eventually, Cassian appears at her door, and she almost runs to open it. “I think I might love you,” she says as soon as the door opens, gripping the knob with white knuckles. 

Cassian produces an ugly, misshapen crocheted flower from behind his back. “I was thinking the same thing.”

  


Bodhi runs maintenance on his ship as soon as he gets back from any mission, and that afternoon is no exception. It’s late, almost twilight, when he pulls into the hangar, and as soon as the landing sequence finishes, he ducks into the vents and checks over the wiring, same as always. It takes nearly an hour, sometimes longer, but he’s interrupted when the mechanized hangar door slowly opens its mouth, and a golden-haired figure runs up the ramp. 

“You’re back!” Luke exclaims, nearly vibrating with excitement and sheer happiness. 

Bodhi slides out of the vent and turns to face Luke, gently pulling him down into a kiss. “Our schedules haven’t coincided in, what? Feels like forever.”

“It’s only been a week,” teases Luke. “But guess what happened while you were gone?”

“What, did Draven give everyone the rest of the year off?” Bodhi’s hands link together at the nape of Luke’s neck as he stands eye-to-eye with his partner. “Tell me, what could possibly happen in the sixteen hours I’ve been gone?”

“Jyn and Cassian have finally gotten their heads out of their asses!” Luke grins, placing his hands on Bodhi’s hips. “Yeah, they’ve been making out in the rec room for the last hour or so.”

“Good for them,” replies Bodhi, laughing brightly. “God, but they can be insufferable. I hope they’ll learn to talk to each other.”

“I think if they can swallow their pride and admit their feelings for each other, talking about other stuff shouldn’t be nearly as hard.”

Bodhi shrugs, and Luke tugs on his hips, leaning down a fraction to kiss the other man. Both of them are smiling. 

  


Later, in the dining hall, Cassian and Jyn sit together, their thighs just touching, and a strange-looking flat ball of turquoise yarn pinned into Jyn’s hair. 

All is perfect, for just this one moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna preface this with: I am 16 years old and I don't know how alcohol works, thank you. 
> 
> So yeah! Not much else to say. I'd love to hear y'all's opinions, you know, etcetera. If you'd like a sequel of some sort -- or possibly the story of Cassian's mission on Aleen from chapter 3, as requested by a reader -- let me know in the comments. Plus, I'm a fairly new writer. I wanna know what worked and didn't work. 
> 
> Aaaaand, find me on Tumblr at @softazelma to see me, standing there with open arms, like Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. You're always welcome to yell at me about things on there, and I actively encourage it. 
> 
> And with that, see you guys later!


End file.
